Because you're a valued customer...

I hate junkmail. I hate takeout menus hanging on my doorknob and worse yet, blowing down the sidewalk. I hate the 10 lbs of propaganda that were delivered through my mail slot last month advertising pro's and con's of the 10 propositions we voted on in June. I am going to start working on a proposition for next year's ballot that limits the amount of paper waste created by propositions. I opted out of junkmail at www.41pounds.org, and opted out of credit card offers (here is a resource for you to do the same www.optoutprescreen.com). The junkmail still waits for me daily on my doorstep. Not only do I get credit card offers, I get convenience checks from my banks "Because I'm a Valued Customer...". Because I am valued, I get the opportunity to increase my debt with 4 convenience checks (debt is never convenient, trust me...) from 3 different banks mailed monthly to my house.

I recycle the general junk mail, but the credit card offers and convenience checks are a bit sensitive for the recycle bin. I considered getting a shredder, but it pisses me off that I should need to buy a machine that was made in China and shipped to America and runs on electricity and will break in 5 years to eat the junk mail that I keep asking not to receive! Arrrrrgh! I bought a used pasta maker to cut my mail into fettucini once. Kevin laughed at me, rightfully so. I was delivering my mail to the hospital shred bin until I discovered the shredder scissors seen here http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/shredding-scissors-178128.php - I feel like Edward Scissorhands with these things! You just have to cut one sheet at a time or you get a blister.

I've been happy with my slow and bulky manual scissors. It's a great mindless task and a wonderful way to slow down my fast life. I was even happier when I read that my red wigglers will eat junk mail along with my raw veggie waste. So I've been saving my shredded convenience checks and credit offers next to the worm bin and waiting for the right moment.

...Enter honeydew melon. Delivered on Tuesday with my produce box. I cut the flesh into cubes and stuck it in the fridge and was left with skin and rind. So I've been tending worms for probably two months and they've been happily eating my raw veggie waste and coffee grounds and ground toasted eggshells. I think they like it at our house, and now they have friends in the bin: mites and potworms. Fun! I've transitioned from a rough chop of my veggie waste with a knife to a fine chop in my food processor. It's pretty fun putting my garbage in the blender, and it makes a nice salsa for the worms. What this effectively does is increase the surface area of the food that starts to rot, so the worms eat the rot and the waste turns to humus (not to be confused with hummus) in about a day! So back to the melon... I really haven't dealt much with large scale fruit waste, and when I blended the melon scraps it turned to a large bowl of soup.

The moisture content of a worm bin is important to regulate, and my mixture was a bit wet for the bin. And then I thought of the pile of shredded credit card offers. I then made a dough by mixing two cups melon soup and two cups credit offer shreds. Tonight my worms are reaping the benefits of my valued customer status as honeydew scrap soup rots on the shredded offers. Take that, Bank of America! No, thank you, I do NOT want to transfer a balance before August 31, 2008! And furthermore, I don't appreciate you sending blank checks with my name on them in the mail every thirty days.

A huge wrong in my world has just been righted. My paper nemesis has been shredded and fed to manure worms. Today I feel like a valued customer, and I will smile the next time I receive a special offer from Citibank at my door.

Oh happy day,
Erock